5 Ways to Help an Anxious Child IN THE MOMENT

Having anxiety is difficult and painful, and at times debilitating, but having a child with anxiety can be a whole different level of hard. There are many factors that can lead children to being anxious, from going through a difficult situation or "learning" from their family or surroundings to be fearful or anxious in certain situations. No matter how it happens, as a parent, it's extremely important to be aware of it and work together to resolve it in the moment so they can properly handle it when those feelings rear their ugly heads, most importantly, when you are not around. Plus, these tips may help you, too!

I'll start by saying, I've personally dealt with postpartum depression, situational anxiety and Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) over the last 4 years. My husband and I also went through a really rough year in 2019 so my daughter has seen and been through a lot mentally and emotionally. I'm not certified by any means, I'm just a mom that has seen a lot, has gone through a lot, we've both been in therapy and this is what helps us :)

As a parent, it's important to:

1. Have empathy and recognize with them that it is ok and normal to worry.

It seems that when my children's anxiety is high, it's at the worst times, but if you're like me, we're busy mamas who are on-the-go with laundry, ball practice, cooking dinner, something, at all times, so to be honest, there's not really a good time for your child to have these feelings. It can be difficult to feel with them and not be quick to say "you're fine! Get over it and let's go," but remember, just like yours, your child's feelings are real, their fears are scary and their physical changes that happen (rapid heartbeat, hard to catch their breath, etc) can be very unknown. It can feel very isolating, so letting them know you are there for them and that you experience these feelings too, helps them feel less alone.

2. Practice slow, deep breathing.

This is one that may be pretty obvious, but can be forgotten in the moment. Deep breathing is also a skill that can be a little difficult for a child, especially younger, to understand. 2 ways that we try to do this in the moment is:

- Counting. I count out loud to 5 as I imitate circular breathing - in the nose, out the mouth - for her. "In, 2, 3, 4, 5. Out, 2, 3, 4, 5."

- Big and slow. I also try to remind her: breath IN big, fill those lungs with good, wonderful air. Then slowly, like you're blowing bubbles, breath OUT the things that are worrying them.

We do this at least 5 times, or until they have felt more of a feeling of calm.

3. Encourage truth and logic.

Something that happens when kids, and adults alike, suffer from anxiety, is we go into this downward spiral of cognitive distortions (basically, habitual ways of thinking that we believe are true and are most often negative and inaccurate).

For example, if my daughter's brother doesn't want to play what she is playing, sometimes her initial reaction is "He hates me. No one likes me. I'm different than everyone in my family. Even my friends at school don't like me, " and so on. But instead of just responding with a "no, that is not true!," have them write down their "distortions" - what they are thinking - or verbally tell you 1-by-1 then challenge those thoughts with truth, or what is actually happening; like, "Your brother loves playing with you, but right now he just wants to color." Or challenge them with open-ended, responsive questions, "why do you believe that because your brother doesn't want to play, means that your friends don't like you?" or "What do you think is different about you vs. me and your family?" Then, based on those responses have a TRUTH-FILLED conversation about those things.

4. Give them "rewards" and options.

When your child is feeling anxious and not wanting to do something because they are afraid or nervous, and you know there is nothing that will obviously hurt them, give them the option of time or rewards.

For example, I will tell her, "I'm going to put a timer on my phone for 10 minutes. At the end of 10 minutes I will wave to check on you and you let me know if you are good or not good. If you're good, keep going! If not, you can come out and we'll talk about it." Almost every single time, after just a couple minutes of doing it, they realize they are totally fine and having fun.

Another way, is have a reward, like a sticker, coloring time or even iPad time on the way home, if they "face their fear" and complete the activity they do not want to do.

5. Be there and listen.

A lot of times, our children just want to be heard and noticed. In a busy busy world, this can be hard for them and frustrating for you. In moments where we are in a hurry or personally feeling the anxieties of the moment, it may be hard to be patient and walk through these steps with your child. I assure though, it is so worth it. These are skills that your child can take with them ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, and the lessons you are teaching them now are so important. Stop what you are doing, look in their eyes and take the time to really listen to their feelings. They are real and legitimate, even if they do not seem that way in the moment to you.

EXTRA: Don't avoid stressful situations

I wanted to throw this one in here because as parents, all we want is to protect our children and keep them away from things that make them feel scared and unhappy. Unfortunately, sometimes, this is just unrealistic. It is a short-term way of protecting them from things that will inevitably happen or keep them from things they will probably really enjoy, like going to the doctor, the first day of school or a new gymnastics class. It is more important to FACE THE FEAR TOGETHER to teach them proper ways of dealing with the stress-causing situations, instead.

If you are here reading this, you may be going through the same daily things we are, and I see you. It's hard to watch our children feel and go through things that are out of our control. But remember, you may not can avoid the situations, but you CAN help them cope in an uplifting, positive way so they can then take these skills with them for moments to come.

Remember: if this is something new and/or you are uncomfortable taking steps with your child moving forward with their anxieties TALK TO YOUR CHILD'S PEDIATRICIAN. They are there for a reason, have your child's best interest at heart and can tell you more ways to help or direct you to a therapist that can be there for you and your child.

If this post resonated with you or you found it helpful, please share with others through your social channels or save to Pinterest. You never know who else it could help. Also, if you have another tip, I would love to hear it! Drop your thoughts on the post or other tips in the comments.